toilet humor

It took me until early adulthood to realize that what I ingested would have a direct correlation to what was expelled. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. It's not that I didn't understand what was taught to me in science classes and health classes... it's more like I just didn't put it together that the drawings and diagrams in my biology book were depicting the real processes in my body.

Maybe that song "Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot" should have probably been my first tip-off...

Then I read about colon cancer. I DO NOT want to live with extra pounds of waste in my colon until the waste gangs up on me and kills me!!

After I made said realization, I became absolutely obsessed with fiber. I couldn't buy anything made of grain without 2+ grams of fiber. I was at the grocery store one day in search of fiber when I came across a name brand cereal with 35% of your daily value of fiber. Of course, I bought it! This was the FIBER HOLY GRAIL!!

I got home and immediately tried it. I was expecting twigs and rocks but surprisingly, it was absolutely delicious... nutty, flaky, light, sweet, and crunchy! It was heaven. I had two bowls and a handful.

The next day, I had some pretty severe and painful gas. Mostly painful due to the fact that I was at work, and most work places frown on the expelling of loud and smelly farts on the clock. Unfortunately, the excess waste sitting in my colon did not come out and I was beginning to question this fiber business.

I was scared to have another bowl, but it tasted so good, I couldn't resist! While I was eating my second bowl of the fibrous delight, I happened to look at the side of the box. This was when I realized... a bowl and a serving of cereal are two very different things. I started to do the math: if I was eating two bowls a day, that would be about two servings per bowl, which would be four servings a day. Thirty-five percent of your daily value of fiber per serving... that's 140% of your daily value of fiber per day! And that doesn't include all the other fiber you eat throughout your day! I knew I was in for some excitement.

It wasn't until the following day that I realized how unhealthy my diet had been up until this point. I pooped EIGHT TIMES in one day. And it wasn't diarrhea, it was solid shit. How much of that was excrement from when I was in high school?! I was still letting loose from my caboose for another three days. I was glad to cleanse myself like that, but I do not want to go through another week like that again.

I will not be eating that much fiber again anytime soon, but I feel like if I stay on top of my daily fiber intake, I won't have to. I won't have nearly as much old waste just waiting to rear its ugly head as a tumor. My colon will be as smooth as an airport runway, and remain intact until I die... from lung cancer due to my smoking.