Smart People

Today I was watching Jeopardy and one of the clues had a "joke" at the end, in which Alex Trebek used a word with -izzle suffix, ala Snoop Dogg. It was so awkward. It's always hilarious when he gets to the joke part at the end of the clue and acts like he just walked in on his boss in the can. He speeds his way through it as if to tell us he's sorry and it'll never happen again.

What does he talk to the contestants about at the end of the show? The music starts and the three contestants stand there, looking at him while he's talking away, apparently unaware that the winner might want to celebrate and the losers do not want to stand there on camera as idiots for the world to laugh at.

I can't even begin to imagine what purpose that segment of the show might serve. He is probably a real prick and the producers decided that it might make him seem more approachable to have him engage in conversation with the contestants on camera, but they realized that he was a self-centered jerk who loves nothing more than the sound of his gums flapping in the breeze and so began playing the theme song over his fireside chats with the unsuspecting victims. The viewers at home are then spared, but at what cost? Now it leaves us with all these unanswered questions...

Power Puff Pastry

Today, I was reminded of the time that I baked a white cake when I was eleven and made the unfortunate mistake of using baking soda instead of baking powder. I had never made a cake from scratch before that point and did not have the patience to wait for my mother's help. The cake tasted like an antacid trip (thanks Homer Simpson). The only thing it should have been used for was keeping the fridge from smelling like old onions. However, my dad ate every last bite of that cake, just so I didn't feel bad. The picture to the right is him, possibly directly after eating the disastrous delicacy. What a guy!

Today I learned a similar lesson... i.e. there's a HUGE difference between puff pastry and phyllo dough. I did not realize this when I set out to make Buffalo Chicken Phyllo Wraps. I bought all the proper ingredients, but when it came to the pastry, I was certain that they were the same thing. I thought the only difference was the name, you know, like Aleve (R) and naproxen.

I had seen an Alton Brown episode which dealt with the tricky substance and so I knew not to let it dry and I was pretty sure I could handle working with it. I also saw that the phyllo was WAY more expensive than puff pastry, so naturally, I went with the puff pastry.

It was only after I was talking to my friend on the phone when I realized they were different. That's when I looked in the oven to be confronted by a MOUNTAIN of puffing dough!! My wraps weren't bad, but slightly oily, a little rich, and very filling. I did, however, learn an important lesson.

Now I'm not sure what to do with the mountain range of filled savory pastries in my fridge. God willing, they will reheat well and not get too soggy. My boyfriend will be pretty tired of Buffalo Chicken by the end of the week because he will be taking them with him to work daily until they are gone.

On the upside I made a delightful potato salad and cheese cake today that turned out great. Of course, the cheese cake came from a box, so that was fool proof. Also, today I learned that milk does not automatically expire on the expiration date. My milk says it's bad as of the 12th of May and it's the 23rd and it tastes fine! This knowledge will allow me to maintain my tightwad lifestyle which caused my culinary fubar in the first place.

An Open Letter to Reba McEntire

Dearest Reba McEntire,

There are many things I love about you. I love your music. Your voice is tender and heartfelt with a southern sentimentality that is impossible to feign. I love the way your songs are unpretentious and discuss scandalous behavior without making it sound too much like an afternoon talk-show script. I love that you were married to Huey Lewis in that one video. I love in that video when the music stopped and there was a little vignette in the middle during which your fake daughter spilled hot cocoa all over your term paper. I love Fancy!!! I love that you look vaguely like a transgendered person but you are all woman.

As a fan of yours, I am requesting that you please stop making a sitcom. It might be the worst thing on television. I have chosen to watch infomercials that I have already seen over your show. It's not that you can't act. It's the writing. It's your supporting cast. It's the bland banality of the subject matter. It's "Grace Under Fire" with out the edge. What happened to the woman who sang about being the other woman and life as a high class prostitute?! There are so many things that you can do differently and still be on television.

I'm not sure if you would take my advice, but I will freely give it. Please! Make a musical of Fancy!

Thanks for the memories,
Amber

Pub crawl makes Fargo woman irritated

I live in sunny Fargo ND. In the spring/summer months, we have a recent hipster tradition here. It's called "Pub Crawling" and it seems that every weekend there is some arbitrary reason for a "Pub Crawl." This is inherently irritating for obvious reasons. None of said "Pub Crawls" are organized in honor of anything, beholden to anything, or charitable towards any cause. They are just another reason for the downtown bars to be filled with amateurs. Amateurs have long taken over Halloween, New Year's Eve, and St Patrick's day, but now it appears no weekend is safe once the weather warms.

The most irritating of the "Pub Crawls" is the "Zombie Pub Crawl." If you want to dress up as a zombie and go from bar to bar and get wasted, that is fine. If it REALLY bums you out that you only get to wear fake blood and overpriced makeup once a year at Halloween, God bless you and who am I to judge? If you want to get so wasted that you barf on the sidewalk and then subsequently fall face first into your own vomit, go for it.

All of this, I can deal with. What makes this "Pub Crawl" so very unbearable is the 1/4 of the participants who refuse to break character the entire night. These people insist upon moaning "brains!" while pretending to bite complete strangers, ordering drinks by holding up their empty glasses and grunting, and stumbling through very crowded bars with their arms selfishly stretched in front of them. I am often the sober driver, which makes such displays all the more annoying.