When I was about five years old, I thought the whole world was my home town. This lead me to believe that everyone I saw on TV was a resident of Circle Montana. I was pretty certain that my dentist was Steve Martin because he was thin with white hair. I also had no concept of race. I thought that a kid in my class was Eddie Murphy because he was funny and had a darker complexion than I did.
At the Catholic Church my family attended, we had a young priest with a beard and he would give the peace sign to the people who's hands he couldn't reach to shake in church. I thought he was Jesus Christ. He was so nice! Then he left and we got a priest who was old with white hair and a kind smile. I thought he was the other priest's dad. Therefore, he was God.
Oops.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A Retraction for Glitterati
I must make a retraction for the blog "Glitterati." I spoke with my brother on Sunday and he informed me that he was NOT wearing glitter eye makeup; it was glitter from a "Harry Potter" wand. Which is even better.
Taco Monday
Dear Mexican-style fast food purveyor,
I'd like to express my gratitude. Thank you so much for the smaller than average tacos with wet cheese, the burnt-in-dirty-canola-oil-tasting fried potato crowns without salt, pepper, or anything without, and especially the "hot sauce" or "flavorless tomato water" as I would have renamed it. Also, thank you for the righteous heartburn that lasted far into the night. It isn't very often that I get to pay over eleven dollars to get sick off of food. I had such a wonderful meal that I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to top it, so I will not be buying your products again.
I'd like to express my gratitude. Thank you so much for the smaller than average tacos with wet cheese, the burnt-in-dirty-canola-oil-tasting fried potato crowns without salt, pepper, or anything without, and especially the "hot sauce" or "flavorless tomato water" as I would have renamed it. Also, thank you for the righteous heartburn that lasted far into the night. It isn't very often that I get to pay over eleven dollars to get sick off of food. I had such a wonderful meal that I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to top it, so I will not be buying your products again.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The best tuna salad known to humankind:
First, get your lazy ass off of the information super highway, put your shoes on (unless you're wearing your shoes in your house, cretin!) and get your coat (or light jacket, depending on the weather). Then grab your purse/wallet. Get into your car and drive to the nearest grocer's. Purchase the following items.
2 cans store brand tuna- try not to get the very cheapest kind as it is hard to drain without bending the lid of the can or getting chunks of tuna all over your sink.
3 tbsp of real mayonnaise- just buy the whole jar because they don't sell 3 tablespoons at a time.
2 tbsp of wasabi and horseradish sauce- If you don't like spicy foods, then you can substitute camel turds for all I care. Go to Hell, pussy.
1/4 cup chopped pickles or dill relish- I just put hamburger pickle chips in a food processor.
2 tsp of sriracha- it's also called "cock sauce" which affords hours of fun if you're into double entendres.
Extra stuff- I use a lot of cracked black pepper, a pinch of garlic powder, about three pinches of onion powder.
Snack Crackers- this does not go into the salad. Unless you want it to. If so, that is fine, but I'll never respect you again.
Now that you've purchased said items, return to your home or hotel room or mom's place. I'm not picky, just go anywhere there might be clean dishes. Once you've taken off your shoes and coat, open said tuna cans, drain them, and dump into a medium sized mixing bowl. Put the empty cans on the floor and let your sweet kitty clean them out for you. Add the mayonnaise, wasabi and horseradish sauce, chopped pickles, sriracha, season according to what you prefer, a little cayenne maybe? Mix mixture.
Bring the tuna salad into the living room. Then go back into the kitchen and grab a sleeve of delicious buttery snack crackers and a can of diet soda. Sit down on the couch and find a nice reality show to watch. Scoop up mixture with delicious buttery snack crackers and place between teeth. Make sure your lips close around your teeth and move teeth up and down. Swallow bolus.
It is very important that you eat the whole bowl, so I don't feel so much like a pig.
2 cans store brand tuna- try not to get the very cheapest kind as it is hard to drain without bending the lid of the can or getting chunks of tuna all over your sink.
3 tbsp of real mayonnaise- just buy the whole jar because they don't sell 3 tablespoons at a time.
2 tbsp of wasabi and horseradish sauce- If you don't like spicy foods, then you can substitute camel turds for all I care. Go to Hell, pussy.
1/4 cup chopped pickles or dill relish- I just put hamburger pickle chips in a food processor.
2 tsp of sriracha- it's also called "cock sauce" which affords hours of fun if you're into double entendres.
Extra stuff- I use a lot of cracked black pepper, a pinch of garlic powder, about three pinches of onion powder.
Snack Crackers- this does not go into the salad. Unless you want it to. If so, that is fine, but I'll never respect you again.
Now that you've purchased said items, return to your home or hotel room or mom's place. I'm not picky, just go anywhere there might be clean dishes. Once you've taken off your shoes and coat, open said tuna cans, drain them, and dump into a medium sized mixing bowl. Put the empty cans on the floor and let your sweet kitty clean them out for you. Add the mayonnaise, wasabi and horseradish sauce, chopped pickles, sriracha, season according to what you prefer, a little cayenne maybe? Mix mixture.
Bring the tuna salad into the living room. Then go back into the kitchen and grab a sleeve of delicious buttery snack crackers and a can of diet soda. Sit down on the couch and find a nice reality show to watch. Scoop up mixture with delicious buttery snack crackers and place between teeth. Make sure your lips close around your teeth and move teeth up and down. Swallow bolus.
It is very important that you eat the whole bowl, so I don't feel so much like a pig.
Friday, October 23, 2009
toilet humor #2
I smell the worst. I have been informed of this numerous times. As I type this, I am sitting in a mild brown-smelling fog that has a definite tinge of egg, or it could have been the broccoli... To add to this, I am lactose intolerant and mildly hypoglycemic. Ice cream is my colon's worst enemy. My milkshake DOES NOT bring anyone anywhere near the yard, unless the yard is outside the house in which I just farted.
I went to a show at a local music venue with a girlfriend of mine, Amanda, after eating a seriously huge milkshake from a fast food joint. There were various DJs there, spinning mostly hip-hop records. The bass was pretty intense, so it wasn't long before I felt the need to take a dump. I went into the ladies room and, praise God and all that's sacred, it was empty. Not a stall with a person in it.
I unloaded. There was a PILE in the toilet. It was about two inches above the water. The smell was atrocious, a combination of used motor oil and bratwurst. Even I was nauseated by it. I tried to flush and the pile only shifted. I flushed again and it went down. I thought I was safe, but as I wiped, not an easy task as there was a peanut butter consistency to the turd-out, two unsuspecting drunk women walked into the bathroom. I was silent, trying to decide whether to jump up onto the toilet seat and hunker down in the hope that neither would see me and know that I had caused the godforsaken reek or to exit proudly with a big smile on my face. The following is a rough transcript of the conversation I overheard:
"Oh my God, (insert name) do you have diarrhea?"
Laughter. "No."
"Oh my God. I have to get out of here." Retch...retch... "I'm going to barf."
I took that as my cue to leave. I tried to remain nonchalant as I exited the stall and walked past the gagging woman. I calmly washed my hands and returned to the dance floor. I shouted my bathroom story into Amanda's ear.
About ten minutes passed and I went outside to smoke. Amanda met me breathlessly outside and informed me that she had gone into the bathroom moments after I told her about my ruthless adventure. The innocent bystander who happened upon the ultimate stink had actually puked on the floor.
My shit smell made a woman vomit.
I went to a show at a local music venue with a girlfriend of mine, Amanda, after eating a seriously huge milkshake from a fast food joint. There were various DJs there, spinning mostly hip-hop records. The bass was pretty intense, so it wasn't long before I felt the need to take a dump. I went into the ladies room and, praise God and all that's sacred, it was empty. Not a stall with a person in it.
I unloaded. There was a PILE in the toilet. It was about two inches above the water. The smell was atrocious, a combination of used motor oil and bratwurst. Even I was nauseated by it. I tried to flush and the pile only shifted. I flushed again and it went down. I thought I was safe, but as I wiped, not an easy task as there was a peanut butter consistency to the turd-out, two unsuspecting drunk women walked into the bathroom. I was silent, trying to decide whether to jump up onto the toilet seat and hunker down in the hope that neither would see me and know that I had caused the godforsaken reek or to exit proudly with a big smile on my face. The following is a rough transcript of the conversation I overheard:
"Oh my God, (insert name) do you have diarrhea?"
Laughter. "No."
"Oh my God. I have to get out of here." Retch...retch... "I'm going to barf."
I took that as my cue to leave. I tried to remain nonchalant as I exited the stall and walked past the gagging woman. I calmly washed my hands and returned to the dance floor. I shouted my bathroom story into Amanda's ear.
About ten minutes passed and I went outside to smoke. Amanda met me breathlessly outside and informed me that she had gone into the bathroom moments after I told her about my ruthless adventure. The innocent bystander who happened upon the ultimate stink had actually puked on the floor.
My shit smell made a woman vomit.
toilet humor #2.5
I told my friend Mary, a tough Nigerian-American woman who speaks only the truth, the tale of turd as described above. I thought she believed me until about a half an hour later. I had taken a shit, nothing near the magnitude of the previous blog, and informed her not to go into that bathroom. She did anyway and came back to tell me that she "could see how that would make someone vomit." She was checking the validity of my anecdote!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Glitterati
My Chevy Corsica broke down in the middle of a busy intersection and, whilst I steered, my brother, Jym, had to push it through said intersection into a conveniently located auto repair shop before the light turned green.
Once the car was safely parked in the parking lot, we went into the auto repair shop to inform the mechanics of our suspected diagnosis. We had grown up on a farm in eastern Montana and so we had no choice but to have a preternatural understanding of automotive distress. I can usually figure out what is wrong with a vehicle, but, unfortunately, have absolutely no skills in automotive repair. Jym gave the mechanic a quick rundown of the facts- what the car did, sounded like, smelled like, and looked like before it took a shit in the middle of the intersection. He spoke clearly, concisely, and stayed in character as a very masculine and heterosexual adult male.
As we were about to leave the auto repair shop, without turning to face me or whispering, Jym said, in a very resigned way, "I'm still wearing glitter eye shadow, aren't I?" He'd put it on while we were farting around in my apartment and he forgot to wash it off before we left.
"You are."
"Goddamn it! I forgot my cigarettes in the car." He sprinted back into the shop, ducked into the car repair area and popped his head into the dead Corsica. And then, sounding like he had gone to Ethel Merman and Snagglepuss for speech therapy, he shouted "FOUND MY CAPRIS!!" and brandished the long slender pack of old lady cigarettes in the air with a jazzy flourish. He skipped out to meet me and... exit... stage left.
Once the car was safely parked in the parking lot, we went into the auto repair shop to inform the mechanics of our suspected diagnosis. We had grown up on a farm in eastern Montana and so we had no choice but to have a preternatural understanding of automotive distress. I can usually figure out what is wrong with a vehicle, but, unfortunately, have absolutely no skills in automotive repair. Jym gave the mechanic a quick rundown of the facts- what the car did, sounded like, smelled like, and looked like before it took a shit in the middle of the intersection. He spoke clearly, concisely, and stayed in character as a very masculine and heterosexual adult male.
As we were about to leave the auto repair shop, without turning to face me or whispering, Jym said, in a very resigned way, "I'm still wearing glitter eye shadow, aren't I?" He'd put it on while we were farting around in my apartment and he forgot to wash it off before we left.
"You are."
"Goddamn it! I forgot my cigarettes in the car." He sprinted back into the shop, ducked into the car repair area and popped his head into the dead Corsica. And then, sounding like he had gone to Ethel Merman and Snagglepuss for speech therapy, he shouted "FOUND MY CAPRIS!!" and brandished the long slender pack of old lady cigarettes in the air with a jazzy flourish. He skipped out to meet me and... exit... stage left.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Let's All Go to the Liebarry
I have never been a fan of vampires but now that the media is inundated with vampires due to the Twilight Saga, I am completely disgusted. From what I understand, vampires are not meant to be sexually attractive. THEY ARE UNDEAD. I'd like to blame Anne Rice for this; I'd like to blame Anne Rice for Hurricane Katrina. Time to bring back the freakish Nosferatu-style vampire, if there must be any more of this pandemonium.
The main thing that bothers me greatly about the new vampires are that perfectly reasonable adults find themselves reading books meant for children in their early teens. Not just reading these books, but ENJOYING these books. Whatever happened to writers like Hemingway, Steinbeck, or even Stephen King for Christ's sake? This is real literature. This trend just goes to show that there are no adult fiction writers worth reading anymore. It has all been denigrated to genres and sub-genres. All of this vampire bullshit is just another example of the cretinization of the western world. The last bastion of "enlightenment" (and I am using the term VERY VERY loosely) for the masses is... OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB.
Yes, I know, it seems ridiculous to say, but as of 2006, Ms. Winfrey did put some books on her list that were actual literature, Eli Wiesel, Pearl S. Buck, Marquez, to name a few. This is what we have come to as a society. The Peg Bundys of the world more well read than most of the doctors, lawyers, CEOs, and politicians.
"Sad are only those who understand." That is an Arab proverb which I just found on Google. And Google is a great way to make people think you are smarter and better read than you actually are. Insert emoticon here.
POST SCRIPT:
Please God, explain to me, what in the fuck is CHICK LIT?! Once You've finished explaining it to me... please please please destroy all that is created in its name. Thanks a lot; love, Amber.
The main thing that bothers me greatly about the new vampires are that perfectly reasonable adults find themselves reading books meant for children in their early teens. Not just reading these books, but ENJOYING these books. Whatever happened to writers like Hemingway, Steinbeck, or even Stephen King for Christ's sake? This is real literature. This trend just goes to show that there are no adult fiction writers worth reading anymore. It has all been denigrated to genres and sub-genres. All of this vampire bullshit is just another example of the cretinization of the western world. The last bastion of "enlightenment" (and I am using the term VERY VERY loosely) for the masses is... OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB.
Yes, I know, it seems ridiculous to say, but as of 2006, Ms. Winfrey did put some books on her list that were actual literature, Eli Wiesel, Pearl S. Buck, Marquez, to name a few. This is what we have come to as a society. The Peg Bundys of the world more well read than most of the doctors, lawyers, CEOs, and politicians.
"Sad are only those who understand." That is an Arab proverb which I just found on Google. And Google is a great way to make people think you are smarter and better read than you actually are. Insert emoticon here.
POST SCRIPT:
Please God, explain to me, what in the fuck is CHICK LIT?! Once You've finished explaining it to me... please please please destroy all that is created in its name. Thanks a lot; love, Amber.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
"I don't watch TV" MY ASS.
I hate it when people say they don't watch TV. Unless you LITERALLY have no television set, you watch TV. Even then, you probably go somewhere other than your home and watch TV. People who say they don't watch television are liars trying to impress someone.
I have a friend who just started seeing someone new and the other night he insisted that he did not watch TV. Of course, this was in front of this new girlfriend. I told him he was a liar. Well, being called that turned him from a fun loving dude into a turbo douche because said douche was willing to spend the next four hours trying to back up his lie. After I told him he was a liar, he said the only time he watches TV is when he comes and hangs out with us at the bar and that's only because everyone else is doing it.
That was when his new girlfriend jumped in and added to my argument. "But you watch Lost!"
"Lost is awesome! Lost is a great show!" And suddenly the conversation was about "Lost" and the deep meanings behind the TELEVISION SHOW "Lost." Thus proving my point that anyone who claims not to ever watch TV is a big fat fucking liar.
I have a friend who just started seeing someone new and the other night he insisted that he did not watch TV. Of course, this was in front of this new girlfriend. I told him he was a liar. Well, being called that turned him from a fun loving dude into a turbo douche because said douche was willing to spend the next four hours trying to back up his lie. After I told him he was a liar, he said the only time he watches TV is when he comes and hangs out with us at the bar and that's only because everyone else is doing it.
That was when his new girlfriend jumped in and added to my argument. "But you watch Lost!"
"Lost is awesome! Lost is a great show!" And suddenly the conversation was about "Lost" and the deep meanings behind the TELEVISION SHOW "Lost." Thus proving my point that anyone who claims not to ever watch TV is a big fat fucking liar.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
toilet humor
It took me until early adulthood to realize that what I ingested would have a direct correlation to what was expelled. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. It's not that I didn't understand what was taught to me in science classes and health classes... it's more like I just didn't put it together that the drawings and diagrams in my biology book were depicting the real processes in my body.
Maybe that song "Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot" should have probably been my first tip-off...
Then I read about colon cancer. I DO NOT want to live with extra pounds of waste in my colon until the waste gangs up on me and kills me!!
After I made said realization, I became absolutely obsessed with fiber. I couldn't buy anything made of grain without 2+ grams of fiber. I was at the grocery store one day in search of fiber when I came across a name brand cereal with 35% of your daily value of fiber. Of course, I bought it! This was the FIBER HOLY GRAIL!!
I got home and immediately tried it. I was expecting twigs and rocks but surprisingly, it was absolutely delicious... nutty, flaky, light, sweet, and crunchy! It was heaven. I had two bowls and a handful.
The next day, I had some pretty severe and painful gas. Mostly painful due to the fact that I was at work, and most work places frown on the expelling of loud and smelly farts on the clock. Unfortunately, the excess waste sitting in my colon did not come out and I was beginning to question this fiber business.
I was scared to have another bowl, but it tasted so good, I couldn't resist! While I was eating my second bowl of the fibrous delight, I happened to look at the side of the box. This was when I realized... a bowl and a serving of cereal are two very different things. I started to do the math: if I was eating two bowls a day, that would be about two servings per bowl, which would be four servings a day. Thirty-five percent of your daily value of fiber per serving... that's 140% of your daily value of fiber per day! And that doesn't include all the other fiber you eat throughout your day! I knew I was in for some excitement.
It wasn't until the following day that I realized how unhealthy my diet had been up until this point. I pooped EIGHT TIMES in one day. And it wasn't diarrhea, it was solid shit. How much of that was excrement from when I was in high school?! I was still letting loose from my caboose for another three days. I was glad to cleanse myself like that, but I do not want to go through another week like that again.
I will not be eating that much fiber again anytime soon, but I feel like if I stay on top of my daily fiber intake, I won't have to. I won't have nearly as much old waste just waiting to rear its ugly head as a tumor. My colon will be as smooth as an airport runway, and remain intact until I die... from lung cancer due to my smoking.
Maybe that song "Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot" should have probably been my first tip-off...
Then I read about colon cancer. I DO NOT want to live with extra pounds of waste in my colon until the waste gangs up on me and kills me!!
After I made said realization, I became absolutely obsessed with fiber. I couldn't buy anything made of grain without 2+ grams of fiber. I was at the grocery store one day in search of fiber when I came across a name brand cereal with 35% of your daily value of fiber. Of course, I bought it! This was the FIBER HOLY GRAIL!!
I got home and immediately tried it. I was expecting twigs and rocks but surprisingly, it was absolutely delicious... nutty, flaky, light, sweet, and crunchy! It was heaven. I had two bowls and a handful.
The next day, I had some pretty severe and painful gas. Mostly painful due to the fact that I was at work, and most work places frown on the expelling of loud and smelly farts on the clock. Unfortunately, the excess waste sitting in my colon did not come out and I was beginning to question this fiber business.
I was scared to have another bowl, but it tasted so good, I couldn't resist! While I was eating my second bowl of the fibrous delight, I happened to look at the side of the box. This was when I realized... a bowl and a serving of cereal are two very different things. I started to do the math: if I was eating two bowls a day, that would be about two servings per bowl, which would be four servings a day. Thirty-five percent of your daily value of fiber per serving... that's 140% of your daily value of fiber per day! And that doesn't include all the other fiber you eat throughout your day! I knew I was in for some excitement.
It wasn't until the following day that I realized how unhealthy my diet had been up until this point. I pooped EIGHT TIMES in one day. And it wasn't diarrhea, it was solid shit. How much of that was excrement from when I was in high school?! I was still letting loose from my caboose for another three days. I was glad to cleanse myself like that, but I do not want to go through another week like that again.
I will not be eating that much fiber again anytime soon, but I feel like if I stay on top of my daily fiber intake, I won't have to. I won't have nearly as much old waste just waiting to rear its ugly head as a tumor. My colon will be as smooth as an airport runway, and remain intact until I die... from lung cancer due to my smoking.
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