toilet humor #2

I smell the worst. I have been informed of this numerous times. As I type this, I am sitting in a mild brown-smelling fog that has a definite tinge of egg, or it could have been the broccoli... To add to this, I am lactose intolerant and mildly hypoglycemic. Ice cream is my colon's worst enemy. My milkshake DOES NOT bring anyone anywhere near the yard, unless the yard is outside the house in which I just farted.

I went to a show at a local music venue with a girlfriend of mine, Amanda, after eating a seriously huge milkshake from a fast food joint. There were various DJs there, spinning mostly hip-hop records. The bass was pretty intense, so it wasn't long before I felt the need to take a dump. I went into the ladies room and, praise God and all that's sacred, it was empty. Not a stall with a person in it.

I unloaded. There was a PILE in the toilet. It was about two inches above the water. The smell was atrocious, a combination of used motor oil and bratwurst. Even I was nauseated by it. I tried to flush and the pile only shifted. I flushed again and it went down. I thought I was safe, but as I wiped, not an easy task as there was a peanut butter consistency to the turd-out, two unsuspecting drunk women walked into the bathroom. I was silent, trying to decide whether to jump up onto the toilet seat and hunker down in the hope that neither would see me and know that I had caused the godforsaken reek or to exit proudly with a big smile on my face. The following is a rough transcript of the conversation I overheard:

"Oh my God, (insert name) do you have diarrhea?"
Laughter. "No."
"Oh my God. I have to get out of here." Retch...retch... "I'm going to barf."

I took that as my cue to leave. I tried to remain nonchalant as I exited the stall and walked past the gagging woman. I calmly washed my hands and returned to the dance floor. I shouted my bathroom story into Amanda's ear.

About ten minutes passed and I went outside to smoke. Amanda met me breathlessly outside and informed me that she had gone into the bathroom moments after I told her about my ruthless adventure. The innocent bystander who happened upon the ultimate stink had actually puked on the floor.

My shit smell made a woman vomit.