The best tuna salad known to humankind:

First, get your lazy ass off of the information super highway, put your shoes on (unless you're wearing your shoes in your house, cretin!) and get your coat (or light jacket, depending on the weather). Then grab your purse/wallet. Get into your car and drive to the nearest grocer's. Purchase the following items.

2 cans store brand tuna- try not to get the very cheapest kind as it is hard to drain without bending the lid of the can or getting chunks of tuna all over your sink.

3 tbsp of real mayonnaise- just buy the whole jar because they don't sell 3 tablespoons at a time.

2 tbsp of wasabi and horseradish sauce- If you don't like spicy foods, then you can substitute camel turds for all I care. Go to Hell, pussy.

1/4 cup chopped pickles or dill relish- I just put hamburger pickle chips in a food processor.

2 tsp of sriracha- it's also called "cock sauce" which affords hours of fun if you're into double entendres.

Extra stuff- I use a lot of cracked black pepper, a pinch of garlic powder, about three pinches of onion powder.

Snack Crackers- this does not go into the salad. Unless you want it to. If so, that is fine, but I'll never respect you again.

Now that you've purchased said items, return to your home or hotel room or mom's place. I'm not picky, just go anywhere there might be clean dishes. Once you've taken off your shoes and coat, open said tuna cans, drain them, and dump into a medium sized mixing bowl. Put the empty cans on the floor and let your sweet kitty clean them out for you. Add the mayonnaise, wasabi and horseradish sauce, chopped pickles, sriracha, season according to what you prefer, a little cayenne maybe? Mix mixture.

Bring the tuna salad into the living room. Then go back into the kitchen and grab a sleeve of delicious buttery snack crackers and a can of diet soda. Sit down on the couch and find a nice reality show to watch. Scoop up mixture with delicious buttery snack crackers and place between teeth. Make sure your lips close around your teeth and move teeth up and down. Swallow bolus.

It is very important that you eat the whole bowl, so I don't feel so much like a pig.